Marriage has conflicts. It's inevitable. And those conflicts easily turn into fights when you feel attacked, denied, pushed, and blamed, and it's overwhelming. When you get to that level of conflict, the only thing you can really do is set firm but gentle limits - think a wall of sandbags rather than razor wire. When you are upset and/or angry - that applies to both you and your spouse - you are not open to a real back-and-forth dialogue. In fact studies of couples during disputes show that being open to communication with your partner is hampered during a fight. You won't hear his/her concerns. You'll likely see him/her as threatening, and you'll be busy protecting or helping yourself.
Keeping a conflict from turning into a fight is a good idea, and one of the best ways to do that is to set limits and keep them. Setting limits helps keep a conflict reigned in, and when that's not possible, can help you walk away when the heat is turned up too high (as you should), without making things worse.
Check out the list of ways to set limits below, but give special consideration to #1. It's #1 for a reason. If you can't do #1, none of the others will help all that much.
1) "I don't want too get upset or angry. I'm going to the bedroom, out, downstairs, outside, upstairs, anywhere else for an hour. I'll check back in with you then."
I've never had a client tell me, "we got really angry, yelled at each other, said terrible hurtful things, and then came to a deeper understanding of each other with greater mutual respect..." In fact, always the opposite. A 2012 study (Murray-Close, D., Holland, A. S., & Roisman, G. I.) showed that couples elicit a "fight, flight or freeze" response during conflicts. You will likely do some damage to your relationship if your verbal responses to one another are the emotional equivalent of fighting against, protecting against, or shutting down in front of your spouse.
Those three responses - fight, flight, and freeze - probably sound familiar to you. They are the big three evolutionary responses to threat, ingrained in our human nature. Your limbic system is in charge of responding to threats, and threat responses don't differentiate between physical threats - a bear in your campsite - and emotional threats - your spouse getting angry with you. Knowing how and when to set your own boundaries, and when to walk away from a conflict, is the most important skill you can build to help you set limits in conflicts in your marriage.
You need to walk away from a conflict before your own ability to handle it wears down. We all have a limit. Once you hit yours, you can't really respond thoughtfully to what your spouse is doing or saying, you can only react as if you're being threatened, and you don't want to get to that point. That's when insulting, yelling, door-slamming and general damage begins. So, please walk away. This might even mean keeping an overnight bag in your car in case you have to go stay with a friend or at a hotel instead of fighting with your spouse.
The rest of this list covers different ways you can help set boundaries with your spouse psychologically, and protect yourself during your back-and-forth in a conflict so you feel less pushed, chased, or attacked. That way, you'll be able to stay present longer, even when in disagreement with your spouse, and have a chance to be more productive in responding to him/her.
2) "I can understand how it looks that way, though I disagree."
If your spouse is angry with you, he/she is probably going to be telling you what he/she is angry about, and that understanding, when he/she is upset, is usually one-sided. For instance, arranging travel can be stressful and conflict-ridden, and knowing when to time the purchase can sometimes feel like playing the lottery. Different people have different levels of tolerance to roll the dice. "If we don't book the tickets now, we'll miss the deal and pay a lot more for the same tickets!" If you hear this from your angry/upset spouse, but you have your own reasons to want to wait, then you use #2, or any variation on it, to pump the brakes a bit. You offer some validation to an upset spouse with the first half of the phrase. It helps him/her cool down a bit, and helps keep the communication open longer without giving up your own ideas or desires.
3) "It seems like this is really important to you, but you are saying a lot about me. Please help me understand why this is so important to you."
To carry on with purchasing tickets, your upset spouse, when upset enough, will start criticizing your actions, or dismiss your efforts or concerns. When that happens, he/she will say a lot that's about you - "You're not listening!", "You're overreacting!", "You never think through your decisions", "You're not upset if we waste money!" Their words are about you, but, what they're really after is something that's important to them. Using #3, again, validates your spouse's feelings and points at the line between you two, prompting your spouse to say more about what he/she wants or needs.
4) "I'm sorry. I want to understand, but I can't hear you when you talk to me like that."
If #3 doesn't slow down the escalation you see from your spouse, then directly addressing how your spouse is talking to you can be helpful. #4 emphasizes that you're trying to understand what your spouse wants, but firmly points at his/her tone of voice or approach as something that's getting in the way.
5) "Please don't tell me what I think / feel / want / intend. Please ask me and I'll tell you."
If your spouse continues to use phrases like, "You never think through your decisions!", or "You really don't care how much money we spend!", then you may need to set more firm boundaries by reclaiming the ground of your own thoughts, desires, and actions. No one can tell you what you think, want, or feel, and sometimes you have to remind them of that. This may also be a good time to start thinking about walking away from the conflict.
6) "Please, don't tell me what to do."
And if your disgruntled spouse feels so strongly as to push and say, "Just do it my way! Just do it and I'll be happy", then you can also claim your own ability to choose what to do. He/she can ask you to do something, but not tell you. Not to mention, if he/she is upset enough to try and order you to do something, then he/she probably won't be happy once you do what he/she is demanding anyway.
7) "Please, do not help me when I have not asked for it."
When your spouse is upset about how an exchange/negotiation is going, he/she might state how they feel treated and compare it with what they see themselves doing for you. For example, "You don't seem to appreciate that I'm trying my best to help you keep your spending down!" If you have asked your spouse to help you be mindful of spending, then you may have to revisit what kind of help you really want. If not, then you can use #7 above here. You are responsible for yourself unless you've made arrangements otherwise. If someone offers you help, you don't need to accept it, nor do you owe something for it, even with your spouse.
8) "I care, but that's not my responsibility."
Now, if your spouse shifts gears and backs off the overt pressure, he/she may shift into a pleading or prying stance. That could sound like, "I can't believe it. We bought the tickets you wanted and now I'm being asked to be at a meeting at 7:30 AM the morning after we get back!". If you had some contention around buying tickets and your spouse is upset, he/she may push forward this piece of information to inspire guilt. You can use #8 above as a way of holding boundaries with your decision. You have to be careful here though - if you use this phrase with an attitude or nasty tone, it will come off as highly dismissive. If you really do care when hearing of your spouse's predicament, then you have to sound like you care too. I'm also posing this under the pretense that in the conversation about ticket-buying, both spouses had equal ability to say yes or no to the final choice.
9) "This is my room / house / time / money too."
Whether you and your spouse are talking about rooms in your house, time to be shared, or money to be spent, when you're talking about a shared resource, then it truly does take two to say yes and one to say no. If your spouse is upset about what you'd like to do with a room, some time, or your mutual money, that is a good time to set aside the question and come back to it later, maybe even with the help of a professional. Otherwise, one or both of you may be trying to make an executive decision based on power you don't have all to yourself.
10) Mind your tone.
This rule, much like #1, is so very important, but I left it for last because people have a tendency to remember the first and last items of a list, sort of like 'a and z'. If you're setting effective boundaries with your spouse, then you will manage your tone well. Much like the words you or your spouse might use to push, pressure, judge, or dismiss, the tone you use will communicate even more meaning. Please keep a respectful tone. You might become aggravated, annoyed, or curt, and if you do, you can note it - "I know I'm starting to sound annoyed. I'm sorry. Please help me better understand where you're coming from" - and it's a good idea to include a nod to his/her feelings or potential sensitivity to your tone for good measure, with the apology. This might buy you a little more time in your conflict with your spouse to perhaps hear him/her better or allow him/her the chance to cool down a bit more as well.
And for good measure, one last time, I'll remind you to walk away from a conflict if it's becoming a fight. Fights don't produce progress, they pass on pain. Please take time apart when needed. And if you'd like some help addressing your conflict topics with your husband/wife, please reach out to me by phone at (617) 326-8404, or by email at Andre@appsychotherapy.com and I will arrange a consultation with you.
