Practicing in a major city, I see a lot of couples made of two working professionals. These are doctors, lawyers, and scientists married to bankers, teachers, and accountants. All are involved, ambitious and dedicated people. They have a lot on their plates, and in addition to professional responsibilities, many of my professional couples are parents too. That much responsibility can make it hard for a couple to do their relationship work. It's hard to make time for your husband or wife when you have a brief to review, a presentation to prep or kids to put to bed. Responsibilities pile up. They can be an obstacle to one-on-one time with your spouse, and they can even serve as sanctuary from problems in your marriage.
Having a family and a career calls for sacrifices from both partners, of course. But career and family demands can easily turn a temporary sacrifice into a standing habit. You and your husband/wife will make the sacrifice of canceled plans or missed connection, and as these "Sorry dear" moments become new routines, expectation diminishes and blindness sets in. After redirecting your time and effort to responsibilities other than your marriage, you may one day wake up and find yourself feeling farther from your spouse than you ever intended, even while waking up next to them every day.
In a life shared with a spouse, many of your efforts parallel each others'. You get up and go to work and he/she gets up and goes to work. You go over the math homework and he/she goes over the spelling homework. You make dinner and he/she does laundry. The good news is that working side-by-side can keep you near one another by virtue of being on parallel tracks. The bad news is that your respective efforts don't necessarily foster connection. Proximity alone doesn't create connection and intimacy.
Lasting connection does start with proximity though - you can't feel close to someone unless you are, well, close to them! Passion, too, the kind that we all enjoy especially in the beginning of a relationship, also helps establish lasting connection. But beyond proximity and early passion, lasting connection requires you to bring intimacy into your day-to-day routine for a lifetime. Intimacy began when your spouse was that cute guy or girl across the room, but you need a little bit more effort and intention to keep it alive when other responsibilities compete for your time, attention and energy.
Intimacy, in many circles, is short-hand for sex, but it's really a much broader idea than that. Intimacy is the felt bond, closeness, and attuned connection that we have with our partners across all domains of our relationship. There are a number of ways to connect with your spouse. In my work with couples, I often highlight five aspects of connecting in your marriage, using the acronym SPIESto help them remember what they are. You connect with your spouse spiritually, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. How well you feel your spouse knows you across these areas of life can be rough indicator of how close you feel to your spouse.
Intimacy thrives on curious exploration of ideas and mutual openness in shared experiences - spiritually, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Intimacy requires some combination of attention and intention paid toward your partner. This kind of effort happens in up-close and face-to-face interactions.
Face-to-face interactions are the basis of intimacy - that's where all the fun stuff happens. Unfortunately, face-to-face interaction is also where conflicts can occur. It is so easy to get hurt, build up resentment, and then avoid relationship work - of the conflict resolution variety - when you have sanctioned responsibilities to hide behind. Consider a time when you and your spouse have been getting on each others' nerves, and then the kids have to go to soccer practice or you could spend some time looking over the finances, doing laundry, or even painting the house. Not that errands or chores are fun, but they're more fun than fighting.
For any conflict you have with your spouse, there will always be another responsibility you can use to occupy your attention and avoid the conflict. In so doing, you can neglect reconciliation, and allow yourselves to drift apart. Having the tools to resolve conflicts is necessary for a long relationship. Spouses without the discipline to maintain connection, and the tools to resolve conflict, run the risk of stale love, hardened hearts and resentment, or simple drift, distance and boredom.
Bottom line: You drift away from your spouse if you: a) forget your marriage due to your role as a professional or a parent, b) avoid struggle in your role as a spouse by hiding in household or family duties, or c) both a and b.
A lifetime can pass with your spouse right beside you, and by virtue of shared goals, a marriage can stay together. But sharing day-to-day tasks is not a substitute for real connection, nor should it shield you from the pain of withered connection and lead you to stop trying. When your children are successfully launched, and you are retired, you'll look next to you and feel either love, or ...... nothing. Maintain your connections!
If you'd like to talk to me about your relationship, how to improve your connections, and/or how to have better conflict resolution, please contact me. Please call me to set up a consultation at (617) 326-8404, or email at Andre@appsychotherapy.com
